It’s only been two weeks since the last day of my year-long adventure in Australia.
The day brought many mixed emotions, and the difficult ones were perhaps heightened by the fact that I’d only booked the flight home two weeks prior. Though I never knew exactly when my time in Oz would come to an end, I never expected it to end so abruptly. Diminishing funds, a flight that could be paid for with frequent flier miles, and another circumstance or two led to the quick and early departure. With so little time to come to terms with the end of my experience, I boarded the plane with little-to-no processing of the end of one journey and the beginning of another. Thankfully that last day included a final visit to Adriano Zumbo and Din Tai Fung — both welcome and tasty ways to celebrate the year and distract myself from the inevitable.
On the morning of my flight, Adam and I stopped by one of our favorite cafes in Sydney’s Inner West before he and Paul Heinz took me to the airport. While Adam was able to say goodbye, I can’t remember if I was able to mumble anything intelligible through the tears.
Tear-free at dinner a few nights before my flight
Nearly 20 hours later I was moments away from boarding a flight from San Francisco to Dulles when a friend (who’s more like a brother) emailed me, asking me to call him straight away. I prayed he was simply eager to speak with me now that my feet were back on American soil, but I feared and anticipated the worst — had something happened to our mutual like-a-brother friend who serves in the military?
Moments later my worst fear was confirmed. Our friend John had passed away while I was flying over the Pacific, only it had happened at home, not while on active duty.
With John at Disney World in 2004
As soon as I learned of John’s death, the boarding process began, and I fought to hold in tears. I wanted to express all of the hurt, shock, confusion, and sadness I was feeling, but I didn’t feel like sharing those emotions with countless strangers in a confined space. Half-way through the flight I finally made my way to the lavatory and let go of every tear I’d been holding onto.
The next few days were a blur. Between jet lag, reverse culture shock, and aching over losing John, I hardly slept and cried at the drop of a hat. My dad came to the rescue by offering airline vouchers he had received from being bumped from a flight — it made the trip to the funeral possible.
I spent several days with my friends in Orlando, meeting many others who loved John and whose lives he touched. When we weren’t at the family and friend night, the service, or at the funeral, we spent time sharing stories about John and supporting one another. It was difficult to leave after only a few days, but I know John has a great group of friends who will look out for one another.
Now that I’m back in Virginia, I’m beginning the process of trying to settle in to life back in the USA — a full two weeks after returning. I’ve kept myself busy, sorting through all of my belongings to see what’s necessary and what needs to go; scheduling networking lunches with former colleagues; and making appointments for changes to banking, auto and health insurance, and so on.
In the midst of the process of making myself busy, I find myself tearing up at random moments. I cannot distinguish if the tears are ones of exhaustion, saying goodbye to Australia, or saying goodbye to John. There’s no doubt a mix of ending the Aussie journey and losing John are both constantly on my mind, but I’m finding it difficult to process either at the moment. I’m in this odd in-between phase of grieving what’s gone, taking each day as it comes to avoid feeling overwhelmed, attempting to be somewhat forward thinking as my “re-entry money” won’t last long, and trying to be social with friends and family who are excited to have me stateside.
After so many goodbyes in such a short amount of time, I’m hoping that the days and weeks to come have some pleasant hellos, reunions, and bright spots. And perhaps a stress-free, low-key source of income!
Featured image via creative commons..
Twitter Updates
I’m sorry to hear you’ve such a hard time these past few weeks. I can’t imagine all of the emotional toll it has taken. I hope you are now catching up on rest and taking time to process thoughts and emotions. A tweetup is in the future… although I have no idea how we can possibly fit it in a few hours or even a day 😉
p.s. We need to do some income/job scheming for you!
Thank you Laura — it’s been great knowing I could email you about so many things over the last month or so.
Cannot wait to meet you! There really isn’t anything between DC and here, and while you could get a train or bus here, it’s probably easier for me to come to you 🙂 We’ll work that out soon!
I know we have emailed each other but I wanna express again how sorry I am for your loss. A death is never good but for it to happen as you are going through a lot of change makes it so much harder. Let the tears flow & for now let it be a confusion of why. Give it time and you will be able to reflect on everything both your time in Australia and the loss of John. Remember everything happens for a reason and maybe your time in Australia ended sooner so you can be home and bid a proper final farewell to John. Give it time it will all get better.
As for cleaning your stuff & getting your life back in order good luck. I am excited to read all about it & yes I hope to see you in Europe!
Thanks Jaime — you often say my posts bring tears to your eyes but your comment brought tears to mine. I *do* need to allow myself time to process everything and ease back into life at home. Trying to take a day at a time, pray, and trust that it’ll all be okay.
I’m sorry for your loss! I think it was some sort of sign that you were going home already because I know it would have been even harder to go through the loss of your friend all the way over here. We, of course, miss you Down Under and hope you can come back very very soon.
As hard as it was to hear about John before I boarded the plane, I’m glad that timing worked out for me to be at home. Thanks so much for making time to get together with me twice in the week before I left!!
Sorry from Oz,
We’ll miss having you here….
Frank
I miss being there! Hoping one of the airlines has some big contest so I can win a RT flight in time to visit for Macaron Day…
Heather, I agree wholeheartedly with what several others have already said – that maybe you were meant to go home a bit early so you could attend John’s funeral. I am so sorry for your loss & I know you have lots of love & support back home. I’m glad that you’re only a “text” away; it’s been so good to be able to keep in close touch. Missing you! <3
I appreciate that folks have said maybe it was meant to be so I could be there — I wholeheartedly agree and feel blessed that I could be there to support John’s family and friends.
Heather, so sorry to hear about your loss coupled with the sadness of leaving Oz. I am sure all your friends both on and off line are thinking of you. Thank you for such an honest post. Take care.
Thanks Jayne — been difficult for sure but I really appreciate the support I’ve received.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your friend John. It is never easy to lose someone you care about and I can tell how much this loss touched you in your writing. Another angel to watch over you….
Another angel indeed!
Not much else to say other than repeat what others have already. I wish you the time and space to get through this. Readjusting to a new-old country is a hard thing in the best of times, which this isn’t. Give yourself permission to cry and feel what you want to feel about it all. Just don’t let those feelings stop you from doing the things you still want to do and moving on with a life.
Thanks Andrew…crying hasn’t been a challenge O:-) so now I need to make sure that I acknowledge those feelings but don’t give them too much room to take over!
I’m sorry to hear that things have been so rough. It is hard to re-adjust to being back at home and to have to deal with the loss of a close friend at the same time is too much.
Best of luck getting readjusted with all of the your upcoming tasks; like jobs, etc. It sounds like you have a great group of friends and family by your side!
I am very blessed to have a great support group at home and all around the world. It’s helping <3
Heather I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through and feel a little silly about my tweet to you the other night. whatever emotions you are going through, we send a big virtual hug and love getting through the next couple of weeks.
Don’t feel that way at all — coming back home after a great experience is difficult and I appreciated your virtual hugs then and now!
I’m so, so sorry. My thoughts are with you & your friends.
Thank you, Sally
*HUG*
Oh girlie I can’t even imagine what you are feeling right now. I’ll be thinking of your and sending good thoughts your way. It sounds like you need it.
Thanks Erica — it’s been a bumpy ride these past few weeks!