One month. It’s hard to believe I’ve been here for one month already. So much has happened that the past four weeks seem like a blur while equally feeling like a lifetime. Interesting how time and memories play tricks on you.
Three nights ago I figured I would spend some quiet time reflecting on the first few weeks as a whole. As I began writing, a wave of emotions that matched the pre-trip rollercoaster of angst & excitement emerged — no — HIT ME in a matter of seconds…from zero to sixty, from a light off to the light on. And so on a Friday night, I was left sitting in the hostel lounge, staring at my laptop screen, fighting tears, brushing away the few that escaped, and wondering what to do next.
The experience has been a mixed bag, which is completely to be expected. Met a few fabulous people who I’ll be in touch with for life and met a few folks who aren’t so great. Had $30 worth of groceries stolen out of my clearly labeled cubby at my current hostel, but have been welcomed into a new friend’s home and clothed and cooked for as well. There have been days where I head out with a roommate I’ve just met, plenty of times where it’s just me walking around the city for hours (which I love), and a handful of times (or a dozen) where I’m sitting at the hostel lonely — that’s solo travel for you!
THE GOOD
Favorite *moments*:
— Hanging out with the Telstra boys after they got off of work just a few days into the trip
— Strolling through the market at The Rocks and viewing the Vivid lighting of the Opera House with a roommate
— Dinner at Camy Shanghai Dumpling with Dan and Paul
— Dinner at a quiet, cozy pub with James after a day of visiting the Dandenong Ranges
— Chatting, relaxing, and dining with Darren and Cherril
— Exploring the green spaces & healthy eateries of Adelaide
It should come as no surprise that each involved actually spending time with other people (all Aussies or long-term residents at that!) and/or food.
Favorite smells:
— The beach at Glenelg (smelled just like the OBX back home!)
— Lunch from Manna Caffe (the second I smelled it — today in fact — I decided a return trip later this week was mandatory)
Favorite views:
— Opera House at Vivid lighting
— Apollo Bay on Great Ocean Road trip
— Barossa Valley from a scenic lookout (and the prettiest clouds I’ve ever seen)
Best meal:
It’s a toss up between dumplings & pumpkin cakes from Camy Shanghai Dumpling and the Rocket & Pear salad from Manna Caffe.
THE BAD
Saddest meal:
Tuna from a packet and a piece of fruit
Most difficult challenge:
Coping with some serious bouts of loneliness
I haven’t been as lonely as I thought I would be (the depth, strength of it), but the frequency with which I’ve felt some type of loneliness has surprised me. The sun sets just after 5pm and with the exception of the nights I’ve had dinner plans with someone else or been on the Melbourne to Adelaide tour, I’ve been back at the hostel by this point. Cafes and many restaurants close at 4 or 4:30, so unless I picked up something earlier in the day for dinner, it’s whatever random bits I have at the hostel. In Melbourne I was so lonely that I downloaded the entire season of Glee and watched a few episodes per night (not that Glee is a bad way to spend time). I’m *so* thankful for the several iTunes gift cards I received that helped me purchase it. I would have gone mad otherwise.
If you would have told me most of my social experiences would have involved spending time with Aussies rather than fellow travelers, I would never have believed it. I figured I would meet lots of people at the hostel, spend time with one or two during the day, go to dinner or chat in the evenings…that’s only happened with three roomies so far. I don’t know if I’m closing myself off in some way, if it has something to do with the fact that it’s winter and the hostels have been relatively quiet, or that most everyone is traveling with a partner they stick with or have their noses buried in their computers (like I should talk…but I suppose I resort to that because I don’t see another option).
Instead, several Aussies have embraced me and are encouraging me to make Melbourne my home base. Sydney’s still the front runner, but we’ll see how I feel in a few months.
One of my Victorians recently said in an email, “I have come to the conclusion that you are a person who deeply loves her family and close friends, and thrive on their togetherness and love, am I right?” This trip has made me realize that while I am an introvert and quite independent, perhaps the single biggest factor contributing to my loneliness right now is *not* having daily meaningful connections with others. Roomies come and go. You spend several days with fellow travelers on a tour and then part ways. The people who know me best and love me most are on the other side of the world. I haven’t felt homesick yet, but the consequences of being so far from home have manifested themselves in defining my loneliness. I’m an affectionate person and crave hugs. I miss laughing til my sides hurt with my youngest sister over something completely random. I want to make a gluten free breakfast with my family on a relaxed Saturday morning. I just want all of those things here — I’m not ready to go home!!!
I miss baking (and I don’t mean cooking). If I had access to gluten free flours and the range of healthy options we have at health food stores at home, I think baking — something I love — would help. Health food stores here are just vitamin shops, and the “health food” aisles at the major supermarkets are severely lacking compared to what I’m used to.
So what’s a lonely girl to do? I call or text James or Darren, watch(ed) Glee, walk, look for healthy meals, power on the laptop to “connect” with folks back home, and (though not as often as I should) pray.
I have a confession. The other night I kind of wondered “what am I doing here?” Really. I didn’t want to hop on a plane home or anything, but I was wondering, “what’s the point — or what will be the point?” Is there some huge, life-changing moment that I’ll eventually encounter? Will I “simply” live this year and not experience the changes/outcomes for months or years to come?
It’s only been a month and this bit of impatience in me wanted something of epic proportions to have occurred already. It’s really laughable now that I’ve had a couple of days to remove myself from that moment.
But in all seriousness, I think my fear the other night came from hoping that the next 11 months bring more good than bad. I wanted a guarantee that in the long run, I wouldn’t have given up so much (time with friends and family, holidays, special events) for a small return, or worse, nothing. I can’t fathom how that will be possible, but I confess — it’s my current fear. I’ve wanted to travel and live in Australia for so long that I don’t want to be disappointed in the end. What if you were fortunate enough to come face to face with your dream but it fell far short of expectations? I’m afraid of feeling that way when all is said and done. Thankfully, as one professor in grad school said, “Don’t question yourself, ask questions of yourself,” and I’m doing just that. What can I do to battle some of the loneliness that will surely continue — and perhaps deepen? How will I take homesickness on when it decides to appear? How can I continue to push myself outside of my comfort zone to meet others, instead of slipping into a routine of using my laptop as a place to hide (though I admit by being an introvert, I do need some quiet time to myself)?
THE UGLY
Taken by a friend on a tour
— Two people unbeknown to me (and the hostel staff) broke backpacker code (and really rules of common decency) this week by swiping my food from the kitchen. Two friends from back home suggested I label my food to prevent future occurrences — that’s already standard procedure at a hostel, so this was no mistake. On Wednesday morning two bananas were missing, and two other guests had some items snagged as well. On Friday morning I entered the kitchen to find my ENTIRE bag of groceries had been stolen. A kick to the gut for sure. The staff let me watch the security footage from the night before, and I think I saw the culprit at 4:30am, but since the kitchen was dark, we couldn’t identify who it was. In the end it’s only money and I’m not poor yet, but a friend said it best — perhaps it does go past the money. It’s about trust being violated. Travelers might put a padlock on their lockers to keep valuables safe, but you trust at the end of the day that food, luggage, clothes, etc., aren’t going to disappear.
— The manager of a restaurant hounded me the other night for my nationality. Unfortunately I had already paid for my meal and the cook had started preparing my takeaway meal when the jabs started. “You’re from the states — do you realize how much the rest of the world hates you?” Okay, I can take that. I’ve heard it before, and I think Amerian travelers would be silly to think they may not encounter some questions/comments every once in a while. But this guy spent the entire time I was waiting for my meal asking if I TRULY understood how much we were loathed and trying to assess my political beliefs. I tried to handle the situation gracefully — after all, I want to be a good ambassador — but I was thrilled when I had my food in hand and could escape. I told him that not all Americans are the same, just like not all Aussies, etc. are the same. He let that go in one ear and out the other and once again questioned my understanding of how deeply we’re hated. Thanks, pal. Not going to come back here.
11 (or so) more to go
My time in Oz has only just begun, and I’m eager to see what’s next. No matter what happens — even if the dream doesn’t meet or surpass expectations in the end — at least I would have pursued my dream and can never have regrets about not giving it a go.
Twitter Updates
Of all of your posts, this one was my favorite because it was the most insightful. I love hearing about your experiences but most of all, I love hearing from your heart. I’ll respond in a personal email, but want you to know that you are missed greatly by those who love and appreciate you on this side of the world. Part of loving someone is putting them first, so I want you to live your dream. The bumps along the road on this trip are to be expected, so embrace them as part of the memories you are building. It will make the sweeter times all that more precious. I love you. Padre!
I realized I hadn’t had an introspective post since before the trip started (and I had quite a few then) and the blog was due for another one. It was my favorite once since “Light On” too 🙂
Your “other” Dad said it all.
First of all, I’m thinking Mr. Rude Manager guy needs to get a bad review. I know you’re not into attacking people, otherwise you would have listed the restaurant already, but if not here, on some review site. You can do in without revealing yourself. And he’s a manager right? Not the owner? The owner should be made aware that his manager just cost him a customer.
With that said, wow on the 11 months to go. Can’t believe it has already been 1/12 of the trip. That’s craziness! 😀
You’re doing the right thing seeing this trip through to the end. I know you aren’t thinking about quitting, but it’ll be worth it to you for the memories. Travel is one of the things you are most passionate about this is your biggest adventure (yet ;)). No adventure worth having doesn’t come without some down periods. But it is those down periods that make the up ones all the better.
With all that said, check out meetup.com might help you avoid being alone, and I think you’re in Melbourne right now so here’s some July 4th plans,
http://www.meetup.com/american-23/
Lots of love and hugs to ya!
Evan
Thanks Nave! I’m part of meetup (or another very similar group already) and will be in Sydney for the 4th — but my American expat buddy and his Aussie wife have invited me over to their home, and I figured I’d rather enjoy an intimate back yard gathering with folks I’ve met once than a cook out with people I haven’t met yet 🙂
You up for a visit at some point? 😉
I’m of course up for it but it’s a matter of getting time off work 😉
I’m working on it 😀 You’ll be the first to know if I book a flight 😀
The part where you said, “What if you were fortunate enough to come face to face with your dream but it fell far short of expectations?” reminds me of the poem, “Dream Deferred,” by Langston Hughes. It’s the epigraph for the play, A Raisin in the Sun. The first lines of the poems are, “What happens to a dream deferred/does it dry up/like a raisin in the sun?” The last line is “Or does it explode?” Dreams deferred blow up in your face. I know you are lonely now, but you are living a once in a lifetime opportunity. Consider keeping a journal or learning how to use Photoshop to make some amazing photographs. Most of all, just enjoy the downtime – you’re not wearing yourself out, and that can only be good!
You said it perfectly — I often thought of that poem in the last year!! Great minds think alike, I *love* it!!
I realized I was only jotting down notes of the day for the blog later rather than really journaling for myself…I started this past weekend 🙂 I’ve always loved doing that so I’m not sure why I wasn’t doing it already!
Heather, I truly love this great post. Straight from your heart and soul. It’s so good to see someone who isn’t afraid to be honest in expressing their emotion, good and bad. I felt every word that was written.
Being an introvert and having travelled solo myself, I know exactly what you’re talking about with that feeling of loneliness. Especially in the evenings when you’re sitting by yourself and the activities of the day are over and all there is left is you and your thoughts.
You’ll get through it and when it’s all over, it won’t be the loneliness that you remember. It’ll be all the great times you had and dirtbag restaurant managers you met. Even having your food stolen will become a story that you’ll laugh about while telling your friends.
11 months will fly past so quick and once it’s over, weather you have your epic moment or not, you will have had an experience that will be with you for the rest of your life. And maybe that epic moment isn’t just one moment that happens on one day, but more possibly it is this moment that is your whole visit to Australia.
Stay safe, live happy
James
PS. I’m voting that you settle in Melbourne 🙂
Thank you for being there for me the last few days as I tried to make meaning of it all. Our conversations really helped!
And I had no doubt what your vote was!
You know me….’Waterworks’!!! I’m with dad, I enjoy hearing about your experiences (very much), but enjoyed more so hearing from your heart.
Miss you, think of you dozens of times a day but am so happy that you are experiencing your dream. Keep God uppermost in all you do.
I love you. Mom
I feel your prayers and those of others!
I totally know what you mean. You’ll feel like this at the 1 month, 3 month and 6 month and then after that, you won’t even notice the difference! I had two shipments arrive for me within my first 7 months and then I didn’t ask for anything until 15 months later..Whatta change!
I am the same way, I totally missed hugs! I didn’t even realize it and when my family came to visit after being in NZ for 10 months, I kind of shoved them away until actually my sister’s boyfriend (not on the trip, but she called him a few times) suggested the daily hugs! Changed the whole visit:-).
Maybe it’s time to settle down and get a job? I know having a sense of purpose helped me a lot and when I wasn’t working, I hated it and stressed out way too much. Having a job actually calmed me down and made me feel a part of it all!
I was thinking about that just last night actually — I may look for a job sooner than I anticipated and resume travel later. This is actually the longest I’ve ever traveled at once, and I’m actually ready for some routine and to base myself somewhere and make connections.
Thank you so much for all of your comments so far — always very supportive and encouraging 🙂
Heather,
It sounds like you are having a good time in Oz, but feeling homesick. Both times Sammy and I have changed country this has happened to me. It does really help when you get a job and a routine going. It makes you feel more grounded.
It also gets you involved with other people (the same ones) on a regular basis which I think is really important (at least it is for me).
Living overseas is an adventure – one that you’ll never regret – but I have to say there is no place like home!
Just read a few of your most recent blog posts — didn’t know you had one — and I’m going to have to start regularly reading them 🙂 Hilarious!!!
And thanks for the encouragement! Still coming this way around Christmas?
Glad you like my blog – it keeps my sanity intact! I’m enjoying your blog too!
We are still planning to go to Australia for xmas – the only reason we would change those plans is if we move back to the States. Which is possible but not probable.
Happy 4th! Looking forward to seeing you over xmas.
JR
*YESSSSSS my chance to be heard!*
Great post! I’m happy to see you are at least making friends amidst the losers who took your food. and I can’t believe the audacity of the guy going on about your nationality.
But anyways. On your loneliness note I definitely can see where you’re coming from here. But I think that will all come with time. Australia doesn’t strike me to be the largest country in the world. You just need to find someone to “connect” with out there. That way instead of relying on travelers and people you only see for moments you’d have someone that you could contact and meet up in your respective cities. Like one of your aussie friends that wouldn’t mind taking a road trip every once in a while. I felt bad when you talked about hugs because I have those moments too *HUG*!!!
But I’m glad you’re sticking it out. Think of it this way, you still have 91.6% of your journey left! That’s plenty of time to make this the most worthwhile experience of your LIFE! Just promise me you’re gonna come back!!! I think I can handle a yr without you but that’s about all I got!
Enjoy the rest of your trip, looking forward to hearing more about your journey!!
You make me smile!!!! Exactly what I needed to read 🙂 Now go and kick butt on your info interview!!
I wake up every morning and think, “What the heck am I doing here?” I don’t think this is a bad thing… it’s a totally natural thing to question why you would move millions of miles away from home to be in a strange land all by yourself! Granted, now that I’m living on the rice farm I tend to ask myself this question even more! Hang in there & hope the good times outnumber the bad!
I think with your current experience it’s a more natural question to have — I want to join in one of those adventures one day…I think 😉
Hey Heather,
If you are ever in Geelong give me a yell. We will happily let you cook in our kitchen! Ph 0431 757466
Frank (and Sue who won’t mind)
Thanks Frank! I’ve done my first visit through Victoria but I’m sure I’ll be back 🙂
Hi Heather!
Thanks for sharing your blog with us. While I’m clearly still within a drive to home (8 hours) and I do have Peter here, it is difficult being so far away from home and just wanting those small comforts – meals with family, watching your shows WITH someone, just feeling all around “what the heck am I doing HERE?!”
I am still in awe of your courage and awesomeness for embarking on this journey! I am very mad at the thieves – how rude! And the guy at the restaurant…better you being the ambassador for those of us that consider ourselves “nice Americans” than for him to encounter one of the folks he seems to think we are all like (I hope that sentence makes sense).
Take care!
It all made sense!
Thanks Ashley 🙂 I don’t feel brave at all…in a post before I came I mentioned how I was going to another English speaking country that I had at least visited once before (albeit briefly) and how that didn’t seem brave at all. But then again, I quit a job and am missing loved ones for a chance to fulfill a dream. Being brave is all relative, and I’ve certainly felt that way on occasions in the last few weeks. And for the record, I think people who move to a completely different state for a new opportunity are brave. You always have your old friendships, but you *have* to develop a few new ones where you’re going and get to know the area or you’re doing yourself a disservice. But that can be *so* hard to do.
G’day Miss Rudd!
What an exciting time to be here when your name sake gets stabbed in the back and tossed out of his position as Prime Minister! And you reckon it’s boring!
Just kidding.
I’m so sad that your stay has not been as expected but that can easily change tomorrow! Who knows what tomorrow will bring!
I am embarrassed on behalf of all Aussies for the rude and inconsiderate bloke at the restaurant. If I was the Soup Nazi I would be saying “No Soup for you”. But instead I will just say the guy is obviously a jerk and a New Zealander who has been here too long!
The guys who stole your food are lowlife scum and hopefully tourists from Eastern Europe! Hopefully their visa expires soon and they are gone and the food went off quickly and they got bad food poisoning from it. I think the best thing to do in that situation is to lick the food before storing it, place a photo of you licking said food and place photo in front of the food. Whoever tries to steal it, will see the photo and decide that girl germs are not a good idea on their own backpacking adventure!
Obviously I am trying to defend my country but the truth is we have a lot of idiots and people who are disrespectful. The majority of us are good, decent people which I already know you know. Don’t let a couple of bad apples spoil the whole wagon.
I honestly can’t wait to meet you and we go and see the mighty Brisbane Lions play vs St Kilda at the Gabbatoir! What other plans do you have? Perhaps we can do some more like go and see the sights.
Keep smiling and good times are coming.
See you soon mate,
Jack
By the way. Awesome writing and emotion. You have a talent!
Jack
Aww, thank you for all of the above, Jack!
I know the bad apples are the exception and not the rule…something I hope respectful American travelers can help dispel as well.
Very much looking forward to meeting you soon! And I’d love to get together outside of the game as well. Currently booked at the hostel from July 8-15, but there are quite a few people I want to see in Brissy, so I might extend my stay….after all, I have no set plans after Brisbane yet! I inquired about a few “work for accommodation at a hostel” jobs, but they all say “check back a week before”. Let me know what might work for you during July 8-15, and again, with wanting to get together with about 5 other folks (1 I met on a tour, another from Twitter, 2 from Bootsnall, and 2 personal referrals), I want to have plenty of time to hang out with everyone 🙂
Hey Heather,
Just getting caught up on your blog, and I must say that what you’ve been feeling is more normal than you know 🙂 You’ve just done something big and crazy to move to another country for a year… and on top of it, you’ve been moving around like a crazy woman for a month. It will take its toll at times, and sometimes it is just good to chill out and take it all in – recharge and then go off again. I know before travel we always have such high expectations of how it *should be* but that isn’t how it usually turns out, ya know? Don’t worry – I’m pretty sure everyone feels this way at times 🙂
-Brooke
I came to Oz after 9yrs in cold miserable England thinking Id have an amazing time frolicking on the beaches with awesome people like in the STA travel photos, except I spent my first 8 months here, lonely, miserable and on tour buses full of old people I had to ask to take pics of me with my camera…
Travelling on my own is not for me.
Great post! Although I will admit, it was probably the wrong time for me to read it. My apprehensions are really setting in…and I’m in the no sleep stage with just 40 days until my departure to Oz. I have absolutely no gameplan for my arrival and continue to question what on earth I’m doing. I told a client about my adventure and she actually responded, “Can you say, would you like fries with that?”
I’ve found a lot more naysayers than expected, but I’ve also found some people who are amazingly supportive of my journey, were very influential in me making the decision, and continue to feed me positive energy when I need it most. Please know that YOU are one of these people. And whether you realize it or not, you are making a difference in other people’s lives.
When I was still heavily contemplating my move to Sydney, I was planning to do a blog similar to yours. I set up my screenname, “DreamingofOz” and upon searching the internet to see if there were similar blogs, I immediately ran across the website, “TheresNoPlaceLikeOz.” There was your blog; 30 year-old female from the United States quitting a great job and heading to the other side of the world all by herself for no reason other than that she’d always wanted to. My jaw dropped, wondering what kind of bizarre divine intervention was this? Just knowing that there was someone else out there doing exactly what I wanted to do was enough for me to officially make the decision…enough for me to say, maybe I’m not crazy…and enough for me to not feel so alone.
Over the past month, I’ve had several friends tell me how much they admire what I’m doing and wish they could do the same thing. And I always have the same answer; YOU can. To that, many of them respond, “No, I’m not as brave as you.”
So, to answer your question, why are you in Australia? You are there for YOU. And you are helping to show others that sometimes it’s okay to follow your dreams and do exactly what you want instead of what most of society tells you that you need. It’s just like a friend told me, you rarely regret the things in life you do but almost always regret the things in life you only aspire to do. You are brave, you are admired, and although it might feel like it sometimes, you are not alone.
Cheers to you, new MATE! I’ll see down under soon with a great big hug!
~Stephanie
Thanks Stephanie!!! Are you going to do the blog?!
Looking forward to connecting soon!! And guess what — I’ve had a job offer while on a tour! I probably won’t end up accepting (unique opportunity but not sure if it’s a good fit for me).
Try CouchSurfing. A great way to make local connections, and avoid the hostel/party culture. They also have meetups for each city, so you can make friends with locals and other travels all while trying something new and exciting. Seriously, look into it (my CS profile is linked off my site).
I’m on CS and have been for a couple of years at least, but have never had a host — they’re either busy or never write back. I’ve had more luck with Hospitalityclub.org, but I should give CS another go…and I’ll check out your profile 🙂
Hi! I’m a Canadian living in Melbourne and you can’t imagine the number of times I’ve felt so lonely despite the amazing and wonderful friends I have here.
2 years later I still miss home and my family and friends there. Anyway, if you make it back through Melbourne at any point, let me know. I’ll be following your adventures for sure.
Thanks Caz! I’m sure I’ll be back at some point — will let you know 🙂
Hello Heather,
It sounds like your having a wonderful time. I do miss you at ACAC in the early am. 🙂
your father told me how to get intouch with you.
So we have to stay intouch,ok?
Take care,
Cook